So, you want to work for Wal-Mart

An internal Wal-Mart memo recently leaked to The New York Times showed the company musing on how to cut costs. The ideas kicked around included - for real - hiring more part-time workers to reduce the number of employees getting health benefits, and discouraging unhealthy people from applying, period. This could be done by making every job, including cashier, require some taxing physical activity, such as cart-gathering.

Elsewhere the memo proposed in-store clinics, so workers wouldn't waste time taking family members to the emergency room. It noted that workers were sicker than the general population, as they tended to be heavier. And it bemoaned the fact that loyal employees garnered raises over the years, but were no more productive than their entry-level counterparts.

Wal-Mart workers make around $17,500 a year and, the memo noted, "a significant percentage [are] on public assistance."

All that is real. This job application is not:

WAL-MART JOB APPLICATION

Part I

Name: _______________

Nickname: (Note: If it's "Gimpy," "Stubby" or "Wheezy," please skip to Part IV.)

Age: ______

Weight: ______

Real weight, you big fat liar: ________

Part II

Check one:

• I am willing to work half days.
• I am willing to work quarter days.
• I am willing to work every other hour, alternating with a mother of seven.

Do you

• Smoke?
• Drink?
• Eat fatty foods?
• Have you ever eaten hot dogs from the stand in the front of the store?
• If yes, skip to Part IV.

Reason I would like to work at Wal-Mart:

• Mom-and-pop grocery down the street where I used to work just closed.
• Dress shop where I used to work just closed.
• Furniture store where I used to work just closed.
• Nothing left to pawn.
• Nothing left in fridge.
• I am seeking enlightenment and have taken a vow of poverty.
• Just seems like a great place to work! (If checked, please fill out Form 198-A: Psychiatric Issues.)

Do you have any children? Yes/No

If yes, would you be willing to have your sick child seen by a Wal-Mart doctor/frozen entree department supervisor?

Would you consider alternative medicine, such as a shot of NyQuil and your choice of a Great Values frozen dinner?

Are you able to lift heavy things (not including your jumbo-size self, that is)?

Fill in the blanks: I am eager to help gather carts despite chronic problems with my ______ that cause painful ______ that sometimes leak.

Part III

• The Wal-Mart Pledge: I promise to leave this job any time I am in line for a raise and send my younger sibling, child or, where applicable, grandchild to replace me at an entry level salary, preferably part-time.
• I will not sue Wal-Mart even if I spend my nights locked in the store.
• I will not sue Wal-Mart even if I am a woman making less than any of the men around me.
• I will go on a diet, take vitamins, do pushups and move into a dank cave on the outskirts of town all for the sake of boosting the Walton family higher up the "Richest Humans in the World" list. (If no, please skip to Part IV.)

Part IV

Try Kmart

© 2005 N.Y. Daily News

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